Why is it that just after the sermon on letting go, I feel better, then, by 4pm in the afternoon,I pick it up again, that old hurt, that old heavy, that old grasping needy cling, I can be sitting here doing fine and then bam, triggered, and my hands are full of it again. Then I remember the four noble truths, the eight fold path, the entire point of all I have been learning, and I try to put it down, let it go, re-calm it down, but now I am a bit harder inside, a bit angrier, so, there’s even more to let go, bail out of this ship, struggle against while I try to float and not drown in the whatever this is – the longing, the wanting, the devaluation the separation, oh, that’s it, that is the big word from today – something about how we are all part of the same thing not separate from the thing, but damn, damn and damn I feel so alone my face is hot, my hair itches, my chest squeezes itself in every direction, until I breathe and breathe and breathe and search for what it was I was supposed to keep coming back to, the path, the truths, the compassion, the peace and it is over and over and over like this who knows, I’m thinking, perhaps for the duration, who knows, I suppose the trick is to see this and stop asking who knows, to feel this and to let it be felt, but to not obsess over it until I want to punch myself and fall to the floor and give up pathetic and done, what others do, what others think, what others struggle with, I suppose cannot be taken in as mine or in me or of me, all I can do is breathe and focus and sit and focus and re-start, again and again, until it is as easy as floating and I don’t even think about trying to swim or tread water anymore, until it is as easy as floating and feels as peaceful as relaxing, until it is as easy as floating and I feel untouched and unbothered, I float, I float, I float.
©Jenny Justice. All Rights Reserved.
Jenny Justice is a poet mom who longs to bring poetry to life in ways that spark empathy, connection, joy, and feeling. She loves writing love poems, climate change awareness poems, poems for kids, and of course, poems about poetry and poets. You can follow her on Medium and at Jenny Justice, Writer. You can support her on Patreon. You can follow her poetry at Justice Poetic.